I have attempted a few topics today with no success. I experienced one of those days where one bad thing piggy-backed on another bad thing, which rode in another bad thing, and they all had an abominable party at the expense of my confidence, creativity, and energy.
And all I wanted to do was turn it into a pity party. With all of you invited.
But I have had enough of those. Unfortunately for me, with a large guest list. I know all the customary pity party games. "Who Has it Worse?" "Pin the Pout on the Scowly Face." "Bitch-Fest Bingo." No more. So, instead my daughter and I sang and danced to some worship music, pigged out on fruit (I won't get into why we couldn't eat the dinner I worked on), and had a tickle fight.
I feel a little better.
But what I really want to do is tell someone my problems. Have them say, "Poor girl, no wonder." But I will refrain. Yes, there are times you need to let it out. But often it just feeds the fire. I know. I have fed that beast enough in my life. Negative thinking, nagging, grumbling, critiquing. Gas on the fire just making anger and resentment burn hotter. I have decided to stomp on it instead. Dance on it actually.
Positive thinking doesn't erase problems. But it sure puts them in a better perspecutive. And a positive attitude helps deal with everything else going on. Like a clingy toddler. Or a grumpy husband. Or spilled milk. If I am a ticking time bomb, they may wonder why their actions warrant such an explosive response (well, the milk doesn't wonder, because it doesn't care). They don't see the fuse path in my day and don't know how close I am to the match in the powder barrel.
We view our actions through our intentions, but unfortunately others can't see inside of us. Our excuses are played like a movie in our mind that we can rewind to double check. But we can only show our contender the book cover. When viewing our actions, that is simply what they see. Our actions. So I better work on feeding patience, forgiveness, and love.
That made me smile just visualizing those ideas in comparison.
I have been feeling considerably "up" all month. I have been including exercise and stretching, reading, prayer and devotions, and creativity. It makes a big impact on my demeanor. I have always known that. When I feel great I tell myself I could never stop working out because I know how beneficial cardio and strength training are on my mental and emotional health. Then I always end up hitting a wall and being shocked that I have neglected myself again.
It often isn't a time thing. It is a plain old priority thing. "I do not understand what I do. For what I want to do I do not do, but what I hate I do" (Romans 7:15). Oh yes, what a conundrum. How often have I said to myself, "I should really..." Like right now. I should really not finish this piece of chocolate mousse cake my husband brought me, as half was quite sufficient. But, slurp, I most definitely will. And I'll probably regret the last few bites as my tongue suffers sugar overload. Sigh.
Tomorrow I will start with a jog. I'll make sure that I build up my "joy tank" so that the unfortunate things can either be dealt with responsively or let go. I'll approach the day with a smile because I am blessed to have the opportunity to do so. And hopefully I will be able to prove to myself that just like exercise increases energy, feeding the spirit of peace will bring peace into my life. My girl and I are going to have a super-duper day tomorrow. We hope you do, too.