Monday, 11 February 2013

Not another what if?

I have definitely improved from my old days of constant ruminating and snowballing thoughts. As I mournfully recall how much I tormented myself, I hope you are not very familiar with this habit. I hope that though you have had those overanalyzing moments, worriment is not the norm. Like going over some silly thing you said that was misunderstood 10 years ago. Is that really productive?

I have certainly grown. Getting older. Developing substantial relationships. Establishing priorities. Taking better care of myself. Learning to trust God. Sometimes though, I get trapped in the "What if?"

What if I had moved away? Furthered my education? Gave that person more time? Prioritized developing a talent? Spent my money differently? Married someone with more in common? (Gasp! How could I think such a thing!)

If I let myself learn from the pain of others around me I can decide to concentrate on better things than silly questions in my head that can't be concretely answered. Life can be a sorrowful journey and I hate to see what some people I care for have to face. When I see the ache of loss in those who no longer have their mother or son or husband, I am reminded to forgive and to enjoy the moments I have with my family. When I hear about struggles my friends feel they may not be able to push through I think how petty I can be in my own life sometimes. Petty. Oh the things I can put my back up about. So petty. Because really, the grass may be greener on the other side, but that grass still requires time and work to stay green.

I may clash with my better half sometimes. But at least I have a man to hug me, kiss me, tell me he loves me. A devoted man who is a fun-loving, affectionate daddy. I may wish I had a yard or a laundry room or a spot to park my car. But the fact is I have a home for my daughter to run around and overturn. A home that is cozy and safe (um, usually). I may long for a phone that would stop saying "No Service" and that isn't cracked or missing functions. But really, I actually have a smart phone I am typing away on in bed. I may not be pleased with myself sometimes for mistakes I have made and things I should have done. But I am learning and growing. I am a capable mom and a valuable employee. And I am working on being a better family member and friend.

Maybe you are content where you are presently. Maybe you are undergoing a bunch of crap. But think before you take drastic measures. Will you run from a problem just to run into it again? Do you need to concentrate on what really matters? Is God telling you something you must hear? Will your breakthrough come if you actually pushed through? Every bad situation can continue and multiply as more crap or it can propel us toward better. You stay down or you get back up. Letting go. Forgiving. Loving. Trusting. Experiencing. Stopping the "What if?"

It reminds me of a poem I wrote when I was 16...


A bowl of cherries
A piece of cake
Or maybe you need a break?
All messed up
Full of shit
Life is what you make of it.
Yes it's short
But have a ball
And don't expect to enjoy it all.
Ups and downs
Life's not fair?
Well, it's not an easy chair.
Learn as you live
Try as you go through.
You you can make it better -- true?

It took me a while to truly believe I could make it better. Now... What if I actually got enough sleep...?

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